2. R&R-Spying

R&R-Spying by Andrew Guthrie-Dow

My direct exposure to spying has been virtually non-existent, and my indirect exposure limited to two colleague’s aborted attempts to join the CIA and MI6 respectively, and me narrowly-avoiding being “an asset” for a foreign-power. In the spirit of these things let’s refer to them as failed-agents “A” and “D”. Failed-agent “A” had started out well; a classical education leading to entry to Oxford university where the inevitable “tap-on-the-shoulder” took place. Well, I think it was a tap-on-the-shoulder, of perhaps it was a “psssst”, delivered to him by his tutor. Either-way he was thoroughly-vetted and despatched to Langley-Virginia for final approval. 

Remember, this was in the 70’s which was a very different world. All went OK until he was strapped in to a lie-detector. Poor young-thing; what he didn’t know was the origin of lie-detectors lay even earlier back in the 60’s as the “fruit-machine”, a device to detect homo-sexuality to prevent them being employed by government. Inevitably “A”s spying-careen finished before it had begun as bells-rang, buzzers-beeped, needles-flicked-to-red, and a line of three water-melons was displayed as soon as pictures of young men in erotic poses were projected into his eyeballs. These days of course this could be taken as a positive, but it was just too early for a gay James-Bond ("my name is Bond, James-Bond, but you can call me Jamie").

Failed-agent “D” had applied for a fast-stream top civil-service career-job, went through all the hoops, but was told in his final interview they felt he was not an appropriate fit for them. However, there was a “sister-organisation” who were very interested in “taking-up-the-slack”, and would he like to meet them the next afternoon/evening in offices just down the road in Whitehall. “No need to prepare or anything, just turn-up and see how things go”. 

This he duly did and was eventually ushered into a room full of presumably young recruits like himself, and older staffers. Everyone was mingling, drinks were being served, and things were just sort of like that. He assumed someone would formally start proceedings, whatever they were, but no. Instead, it was just chat; chat with the recruits, chat with the recruiters, free-flowing-alcohol, but nothing specific whatsoever. Eventually someone did stand-up and thank everyone for coming, but the formal “stuff” would happen the next day, and this was a “just get to know you evening”. 

Now failed-agent “D” is not a big-drinker; some people just aren’t. He used to go all red-faced after one red-wine, and after two it would be almost purple. So, he was bright-as-a-lamp at 8.00 am the next morning, and very capable of recounting the events of the night before. What wines were served and when, who he had talked to and in what language, what their names were, what they talked about in detail, the lot. 

After just a few minutes his interviewers just asked him outright that they were from the SIS (secret intelligence service), he had passed all their criteria, and would he like to join them? Needless-to-say failed-agent “D” was most unimpressed, “why would I want to join any organization whose success-criteria seemed to be staying sober while all around you were getting pissed and letting-out secrets/information. What was MI6’s loss proved to be IT’s gain, as was the case with the CIA for failed-agent “A”. Funny things, those forks-in-the-road.

As for me, the approach happened in an ex-pat-bar in Budapest, just before the wall came-down. It was Friday evening, the place was buzzing, and Marvella and I were knocking-back the Hungarian red-wine. To cut-to-the-quick, we started chatting-away with Dimitri, who was a captain in the Czechoslovakian navy. I never did put my finger on what made me be a little cautious, but it served me well. We all got very “merry” (i.e. pissed), and he seemed very interested in what I did. The companies I had worked with, the products they made, that sort of thing. We agreed to meet-up the next night, but of course we baled-out, and went to the video-bar instead.

What this did set me thinking-about is how a spy and his/her agency, is supposed to build-up a network. If it was similar to Dimitri’s modus-operandi, there was always the great temptation of following Chichikov’s approach in Dead-Souls by Nikolai-Gogol (not that I’ve ever read the thing, that would “blow” all my cred). Every week a new ex-pat could be Hoovered-up into a network of totally useless “assets”, feeding-back critical intelligence on the supply-chains of toasters, condoms, and washing-machines.

Pressure on you to improve the quality of “intel” would inevitably grow until a fictional-army of spies with their fictional-information would flow-back to HQ. Inevitably events would catch-up with you, and an unfortunate defenestration would occur (so much cleaner than a bullet to the back of the neck). This is definitely something to factor-in before you sign-up to any non-Western intelligence-agency. If you did this to a Western agency you would probably get-away with it due to the embarrassment factor, but I wouldn’t bank on it.

Just a quick excursion into the video-bar. This was a drinking-den at the bottom of the Budapesti-Fogaskerekű-Vasút (Budapest-cog-railway) where we used to have a quick beer-or-two after work before ascending to our flat half-way up the hill/mountain. On the video Belinda-Carlisle would be belting-out “Heaven-is-a-place-on-Earth” before the quick-visit Inevitably degenerated into a whole drinking-session where we’d mix with an assortment of locals, ex-pats, and for some reason, a platoon of Russian soldiers. They were great fun the Russians, always trying to swop anything tank-related for dollars, or vodka. T72 starter motor? No problem. Hundred-metres of quality copper-cable? No problem. A complete tank? A little planning required, but possible. Some things never change. Happy permanent-hangover days. Reminiscence now over.

But actually, this reminiscence points to the direction I believe modern spying should evolve to in the West. Finding-out about your adversaries’ weapon-systems, military-strategy, power-structures and political-ambitions are all well-and-good, but are so, so twentieth-century. In parallel we should be actively destabilizing these appalling-regimes by “injecting” a little Western culture into their dreadful-systems (in spy-speak, “soft-ops” as well as “hard-ops”). Let’s take a short historical trip to see how this has worked in the past, and how it can be adapted and supercharged to work again in the future.

When the wall came-down it was a big surprise to me. I just didn’t see it coming, and wondered, along with everyone else, what caused this to happen. Historians will debate this for centuries, but a few things coloured my perception as to the cause. The first of these was East-Germany, the infamous GDR (German-Democratic-Republic – always be sceptical about countries with “Democracy” as part of their name). When East-Berliners streamed over and through the wall, what did they say? It was all about bread-and-butter stuff. I remember one of them saying they used to watch West-German crime-series on TV and wince every time a Mercedes was “totalled” as it would have taken them a lifetime of saving to buy one.

I believe this is the best propaganda; “unintentional”, but it has to be heard and delivered to the right groups of people. Luckily East-Germany and West-Germany shared the same TV broadcasting technical standards at that time, so the Easterners could quite easily tune-in to Western-programs. This is rarely the case with closed-regimes, so material has to be inserted into them, and this is not always easy. Also, specific messages need to be targeted at specific cadres; its no use beaming West-German crime-series to the elite who were chauffer-driven in Russian-Zils.

Another example comes from George-Orwell in his book “Homage-to-Catalonia”. This is one of the very few books I have ever read because I had to as part of my “O” level-English. Actually, it wasn’t that bad, but I’d never have read it otherwise. He recounts when he was on the front-line at night in the midst of the Spanish civil-war, where both sides would blast relentless propaganda at each other over Tannoy systems. He recounts after all the political analysis and crude-attacks, the tone would change from the Fascist-side at about 2.00 am in the morning.

“Come over here, its safe and we’re just putting the coffee on”. “I know you can’t smell it, but I can, its strong and deep, and we have extra cups for you”. Total rubbish of course; no-one had any genuine coffee on either side. It was all fantasy, but as you hung-on to your forward observation post, cold, thirsty and depressed, it all made sense. This is what top propaganda is about; the right message to the right person at the right time.

These two are examples of economic-advantage propaganda. The West, despite all its many faults, does generate wealth quite efficiently. It doesn’t distribute wealth all that efficiently, but that’s where politics and decisions can be applied. Are there other aspects of the West’s “civilization” that can be weaponized? Oh yes, there are. Let’s first take its tolerance to different forms of religion, and in particular, Christian-sects.

For centuries these sects have permeated our thinking, and since Christianity is an evangelical-enterprise, they are ideal attack-units, ready to gnaw-away at state ideologies. Mormons, 7th day Adventists, the Watch-Tower, and even Scientologists are sects ready-and-willing to be introduced to our adversaries. We need spies and spy-organizations that can help these groups enter our opponents’ countries and minds, and rot them from within (the “sow”, “grow” and “harvest” analogy). Naturally no finger-prints can be left behind, but clandestine funding and logistical help must be a priority for this new type of spy-agency. Other non-Christian-sects could be considered (e.g. “Whirling-Dervishes” etc.), but as we are not currently in conflict with regimes where these could have an impact, we should just keep-our-powder-dry

What about sex? Yes, absolutely; swinging, homosexuality, SM, even cos-play, are all good examples of our finest Western exports. Not of course that there are no native equivalents, but they do need to get organized. Ever turned up to an orgy and found you’re the only one there? Or worse, turned-up at a cos-play as Batman along with ten others, but no Bat-Girls or Wonder-women. Networks need to be built and codes and euphemisms established. Just think of all the resources our adversaries will have to waste in cracking-down on these activities. More damage might be done with a few costumes than an entire night’s drone attack.

Let’s go beyond cosplay into Furries. Its long been known that Xi-Jinping is “touchy” about being compared to Pooh-Bear, but why? I think I know the answer; I have it from a reliable source that he and his wife are secret Furries. He dresses as Pooh-Bear, and his wife as Piglet. There are even clandestine photographs of them in action (sourced from MI6’s generative-AI department). Is this a common thing in the CCP (Chinese Communist Party)? We in the West have a right to know. Likewise, does this proclivity extend to Russia? What character does Putin play, and Lavrov? Ye Gods, what would suit Sergey? I can only think of a walrus, but I’ve never heard of this before. Again, we have a right to know. 

Although it may be doubtful that Putin is a Furry, we do know he bathes in the blood of deer-antlers to maintain his vigour (i.e. prolong his stiffies). I’m all for alternative medicine, but again I feel the Russian people and us in the West should be kept informed. What types of deer, is the blood heated or watered-down, that sort of thing? And what other Siberian-inspired remedies is he taking? I don’t think Siberia supports monkeys, so it can’t be crushed monkey-glands, but are other animal-parts used instead? The balls of the Siberian-chipmunk, or the donger of the Kamchutka-brown-bear? Again, call me old fashioned, but I do think we need to know, and this is where the new soft-ops breed of spy can assist. MI6 and the CIA, get on the case.

All this is bourgeois sex, but what can we do with the likes of Joe-six-pack? Narratives can help. There should be a series of books/essays/blogs that take a dispassionate perspective on their great-leader’s sex-lives. It’s a “well-known-fact” that dictators and hard-men tend to have chaotic relationships with wives, mistresses, actresses, boys, girls and in-betweens. Personally, I’m not aghast at any of this, but in traditional societies this can cause consternation. Excellent.

This is bourgeois sex, but what can we do with the likes of Joe-six-pack? Narratives can help. There should be a series of books/essays/blogs that take a dispassionate perspective on their great-leader’s sex-lives. It’s a well-known fact that dictators and hard-men tend to have chaotic relationships with wives, mistresses, actresses, boys, girls and in-betweens. Personally, I’m not aghast at any of this, but in traditional societies this can cause consternation. Excellent. 

And drugs-and-the-like? Perhaps a more nuanced attack is warranted here. No-one is suggesting returning to the Opium-Wars or anything similar, but targeted information can help. Take Russia. I think its long overdue that a series of glossy-home-magazine articles get distributed with titles such as “Cooking-with-Vodka” and “Breakfast-Beers”. And for our bourgeois communities? How about “Cannabis-and-Candies”, and “How-to-Drive-Safely-While-Stoned”. For China? Simple; “Gambling-for-Pleasure-and-Profit”, or my favourite from the “How-to” series of books, namely “How-to-Get-Rich-by-Joining-the-Communist-Party”.

And culture? The Beatles look a bit tame now, but in their time stoked many a subversive movement. Unfortunately, not all Western-culture is as subversive as it might be. Will country-and-western bring-down Putin, or rap-music hasten the demise of Fat-Boy Ki-il-Yung? Unfortunately, probably not. Clog-dancers and Morris-men? Likewise, no. Perhaps then, the more direct approach of a “hard-ops” James-Bond and his ilk are still needed, but in parallel with a “soft-ops” Jamie-Bond. Can you imagine our new hero departing “Q” on a dangerous-mission, armed not with a secret-laser or hidden spear-gun, but with a copy of “Moving-Planets with L. Ron. Hubbard”, dressed in a Furry-Fox costume, wearing lip-stick, all accompanied by marijuana-induced giggling? (sounds a little like me!). My warning to our adversaries, now and in the future: “be afraid, be very afraid”.